Random Thoughts: “Things I DON’T Need!”

Dr. Kenneth Love

Dr. Kenneth Love

by Dr. Kenneth Love

Making sales in various industries and, particularly the ones of the commission-only variety, have obviously become so difficult in the current economy that in the course of a single week, I was approached by the following types of sales persons at my front door who wanted to sell me:

  • Pills that would make my ______ grow bigger and longer (now, I know what you may be thinking, but you are wrong…the correct answer is “fingers.”
  • A cream that would remove warts that I don’t even have (yet).
  • A salve that makes me feel “tingly” after midnight (that’s interesting, since I’m usually asleep by 11 p.m.)
  • “Love Potion #12” (I’ve heard of LP9, but was afraid to inquire what happened to #s 10 and 11)
  • A concubine that would have the good sense to leave afterward (once again, I deferred to Wifey on this one, and she gave me a speechless look that said everything I needed to make an instant decision).
  • A television set not yet on the market that could look me straight in the eye, and then tell me what I should be watching on any given night.
  • A cell phone that would resuscitate me if it were with me if ever I fell underwater and was knocked unconscious. Huh?
  • A new version of the Hula Hoop that would not only go around and around, but also upside down and through and through. I tried imagining the new latter features, but almost developed a brain aneurysm on how this might work to benefit me.
  • A car, much like the one from the “Knight Rider” television series, but with a soothing female voice that would make me enjoy each of my future 3-1/2 hour/400-mile trips down to Houston (and back up to Big D).
  • Some gooey stuff that I could use to, well, some gooey stuff…

NOTE OF ADVICE: If it doesn’t carry one of those little square red and white “As Seen On TV” stickers, I ain’t touching it.

Editor’s Note: Dr. Kenneth Love haunts this world as a Jazz musician and writer. Learn more about him at http://www.1waypr.com and http://www.kennylovejazz.com, respectively.

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