It’s amazing the things you notice on a routine trip to the grocery store or the mall. I notice new landscaping on someone’s lawn. Or I notice if there’s a flashy new car in a neighbor’s driveway. But today was ‘bumper sticker day’ and in the course of just a few hours, well, it seemed like I witnessed every rant possible on the American spectrum.
I don’t get why we put these rectangular commentaries on our cars except to give us an opportunity to tell it like it is, or at least how we think it is. Maybe it’s our soapbox or forced communication with the guy behind us at the red light. Since there is a bumper crop of bumper stickers out there, I decided to break down by category what I saw in just one day. For literary purposes, of course, I will now abbreviate bumper stickers to ‘bs’.
Surprisingly, there was a lot of religious bs in the course of my travels. After being asked to ‘Pray the Rosary Every Day’, I came upon the ‘WWJD?’ bs. This is a nice reflection before embarking on a course of action, but if Jesus drove a car in his day, I wonder if he would have ‘What Would I Do?’ on his back fender. Now if I talked on the phone or texted while I was driving, or prayed the rosary, I’m sure ‘God is My Co-Pilot’ would be an appropriate bs.
Political visionaries offer their wisdom, too. One of my favorites is the conservative bs that has George W. Bush smiling while asking us, ‘Miss Me Yet?’ And just a few minutes later I find myself noticing some liberal’s bs that tells me ‘I’d Vote Republican, But I’m Allergic to Nuts!’ Even our animal friends have a political voice in the bs that reads ‘I Ride Inside….Dogs Against Romney’. Maybe tea really is the antidote for kool-aid.
Then there’s the nonsensical bs. ‘I Swear I’m Gonna Invent a Vaccine for Stupid’ especially stands out. To the right of me, another bs read ‘This is an Anti-Zombie Combat Vehicle’. During construction traffic later that day, it was prophetic that I would see ‘Boldly Going Nowhere’ in bold, black letters staring right at me.
As if American international relations weren’t delicate enough in some places, we somehow feel the need to wage war among ourselves. There is a bs straight out of my lovely town that reads ‘Some People Are Only Alive Because It’s Illegal To Shoot Them’. Leaving the dry cleaners left me a little dry when I saw this bs that read ‘If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes and Sue You!’ Beam me home, Scotty.
People are angry, that’s for sure, but I thought the war between the sexes was over a long time ago until I read this bs on a young woman’s car: ‘Grow Your Own Dope, Plant a Man’. I swear it is true that not ten minutes later upon leaving the ATM, I saw a middle aged man get into a car with a bs that announced he was the ‘Official President of the He-Man Woman Haters Club’.
This was one of those days that I couldn’t wait to get home to clean and do laundry. And as I pulled up into my driveway, I noticed a strange car parked on my block with ‘Sanity Will Prevail!’ on the back of the trunk.
Ahh, a bs that was not bs.
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