I am determined to enjoy this holiday season even if it kills me. So while at the mall recently, I decided to take a little break from shopping because I was making pretty good progress getting through my naughty and nice list. As I passed through the concourse where Santa was Ho, Ho, Ho-ing and inviting the little passers-by to tell him what they wanted for Christmas, I felt a wave of nostalgia for the days when I urged my own daughter to go see Santa. What some parents won’t do for a picture!
It really was hilarious to watch the kids as they approached Santa. Some strolled right up to him as if he was their secret weapon, the last resort to get the goods, just like Ralphie in the movie “The Christmas Story”. Ralphie, too, had confidence that Santa would get him that Red Ryder BB gun, until he heard the big guy echo his mother’s words, “You’ll shoot your eye out”. Maybe it’s all in how we ask for the things we want. Even Ralphie figured that out and he was ten.
So I got to thinking about what it would be like if the governor went to see Kris Kringle, too, just to make sure he wasn’t on the naughty list. Here’s how I think it might play out:
Kris Kringle: “Ho, Ho, Ho, don’t be shy, come up here and tell ole Kris Kringle your name. “
Chris Christie: “I’m the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, and don’t forget it.”
Kris Kringle: “Ho, Ho, Ho. So, we are both named Kris. And we’re both about the same size, too, I see. How about that?”
Chris Christie: “Are you the real Kris Kringle? Don’t mess with me and don’t lie to the governor because you can be replaced.”
Kris Kringle: “Well, eh, Chris, why don’t you tell me what you want for Christmas?”
Chris Christie: “Everything. I mean it. First, I want to stop any plans for a rail tunnel that would obviously help commuters. No wait. I have that already. Forget it. I know! I want the NJEA teachers and their union on their knees begging for mercy! Yeah! That’s it. And it’s not a real gift if they don’t beg. You understand? These people need to be accountable to the world and answer for the life of luxury they’re living. You think it’s easy for me to get by in New Jersey on a half million dollars a year? Please.”
Kris Kringle: “Eh, um..”
Chris Christie: “Then I want to bring the fights back to New Jersey. It’s good entertainment. I’m personally taking charge of this new initiative. It goes like this: I go to a town meeting and yada, yada, yada. Then I take some questions from the audience, maybe a policeman or someone who’s been out of work for a while or better yet, a teacher, ‘cause I’m the kind of guy that wants to connect to my peeps, right? But when I don’t like the question, I ‘invite’ the questioner up on stage to have a ‘personal conversation’ with the governor. But just before I’m ready to hurt him, a state trooper ‘escorts’ the little worm back to his seat. It’s just like those fake wrestling shows on TV.”
Kris Kringle: “But….”
Chris Christie: “Stop cutting me off, Kris. And then I want to be the President of the United States. Why not me? I’m Chris Christie from Jersey. Who understands terrorists better than me? Me. C’mon. Those whining farmers, factory workers, middle management people and soccer moms? They’ll soon realize that their gravy train is heading into the station. The glory days are over for them, too.”
Kris Kringle: “Chris, I’m afraid have you forgotten the meaning of Christmas. This is the season of giving.”
Chris Christie: “I know, I know. That’s why I want everybody to give me what I ask for!”
Kris Kringle: “Now Chris, wouldn’t you really like a nice football to kick around instead?
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